Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I recently had the pleasure opportunity to participate in a 1-on-1 yoga session.  I've taken a few yoga classes in the past.  I'm the one laughing my yoga pants off when someone in the class farts and trying my hardest not to queef during the foot-behind-the-head pose.  But, I decided it would be good for my fupa to do a little yoga.

I procrastinated at the gym for as long as possible and then made my way to the treadmill to warm-up.  Tree-hugging yoga instructor walks over to me.  Conversation and yoga practice narrated below (just the note worthy points):

Yogie: (Introductions, small talk, etc.) Today you are going to work on massaging yourself.
Me: Like masturbation?
Yogie: (Straight face. Perhaps one audible grunt-like giggle) Nobody's ever said that before.  Not exactly.
Me: Too bad.
Yogie: (Motions me to follow him into personal training studio. I follow.) Have you ever worked with balls?
Me: I'm a pro!
Yogie: Great.  Use this medium-sized ball.  It's very firm.
Me: Nobody likes squishy balls.
Yogie: Right. Lay down with your pelvis on the top of the ball.
Me: (Laying down) Will you please turn the lights off?
Yogie: (No reaction) Walk your hands out and balance your solar plexus on the ball.
Me: Oh yeah. This feels good.
Yogie: Good! Massage yourself. You're really good at this.  Now, walk back and plant your feet firmly on the earth.
Me: I'm not finished.
Yogie: Take your time.
Me: Thanks for being so selfless. 
Yogie: Yoga is all about you.
Me: What's next?
Yogie: Lay with your back on the ball.  Grasp the earth firmly with your hands.  Your fingers are the roots to the earth.
Me: Where do you buy your pot?
Yogie: (No reaction)
Me: No, really?
Yogie: (No reaction. Leads me in a few more stretches.) Time is up for the day.  I hope you enjoyed the practice.
Me: It was good for me.  Was it good for you?
Yogie: I enjoyed it.  Thank you.
Me: Maybe I'll try it again some time.
Yogie: You can do this practice at home. You have balls there?
Me: I sure do!

I left the studio, scooped up my kid from babysitting, and rushed home to practice.



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