Private parts

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Towards the very end of my 18 week ultrasound, the radiologist asked if we wanted to find out the gender of the fetus.  I told him we already knew it was a girl because we had CVS testing due to our genetic genes

With that, the doc said...

Doc: ...Okay, then if you look right there, you can see the labia.

Matt: (quivering) Labi-what?

Doc: Yes, the labia, it's part of the vagina.

Matt: But I don't want my baby to have labia.

Doc:: If she doesn't have labia, her vagina will be abnormal...deformed.

Matt: (Muttering) Oh. I didn't think about that.  Wait.  You mean, she's going to have a vaa...vaa...?

Doc: Vagina.

(Matt stopped talking and looked away from the ultrasound monitor.  He became eerily quiet and withdrawn.  I collected the print-out pictures, pulled up my stretchy pants, poked him to signal it was time to leave, and we walked out of the room.)


ME: Matt, you understand she will have a vagina?

Matt: Does she have to?

Me: What do you mean?  Yes, she has to.  That's what makes her a girl.

Matt: I don't want her to have a vaaa...vaaa...

Me: Gina. Vagina.

Matt: I don't want to talk about it.

Me: Okay, but Ari has a penis, right?  Boys have penises and girls have vagina's. 

Matt: I don't want to talk any more about it.

Me: Are you joking?

Matt: And I'm not going to touch it.

Me: Incorrect.  You will change her diaper.

Matt: That's fine, but I won't touch it. And I won't look at it. 

Me: I touch Ari's penis multiple times a day.  I put vaseline on it for a week after his circumcision.  I clean poop off of it on a regular basis!

Matt: That's really nice of you.  I am just letting you know I won't be touching her... her... her...

Me: Vagina?

Matt: I don't want to talk any more about it.

(Matt gets in his car and drives away)

I went home and googled "dad afraid of baby girl" and I found this list of 10 common dad fears.  What's on the list?  Concerns included are the baby's health, lack of sleep, not being a good dad, and having to grow up (examples include drink less beer and play fewer video games).  It seems anxiety over a baby girl's vagina is not so common.

There's also gynophobia, defined as an abnormal fear of women.  This could be the diagnosis, except we all know Matt doesn't have that (or else we wouldn't have conceived this little issue in the first place).

So, I guess I'm just going to have to wait and hope Matt gets over this fear as soon as the baby arrives.  I'll hold off from teaching him about front-to-back wiping for now.  That may put him over the edge.

And, I can't believe he's really freaked out about this. 

What a pussy!


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