Job available - apply today

Seeking individual to serve as on-call birth coach in the highly likely event pregnant woman's husband is caring for toddler son in the hospital across the street. 

ESSENTIAL DUTIES & RESPONSIBILITIES
* Provide distraction during IV placement
* Assist nurses in applying cold packs to patient's forehead after she faints from IV placement
* Make patient peanut butter and jelly sandwich before epidural is administered
* Allow patient to have full control of TV remote control during labor
* Check in every 5 minutes with patient's husband to receive status update on toddler son
* Laugh at all of patient's jokes (even if not funny)
* Remind patient to ask for Attending anesthesiologist and not Resident or Fellow to administer epidural
* Provide non-judgemental support when patient requests epidural at the earliest sign of discomfort
* Call for nurse assistance when patient poops on the table
* Pretend patient did not poop on table and never tell a sole if she did
* Take pictures during labor and video during last 3 minutes of delivery. 
* Do not post video/pictures on Facebook or YouTube
* Remind doctor to collect cord blood and tissue and call Viacord within 1 hour after birth
* Provide encouragement and support throughout labor, but without ever physically touching patient (unless specifically requested)
* Promise to forget what patient's female parts look like immediately after birth

QUALIFICATIONS
* Ability to perform the essential tasks noted above in a satisfactory manner.
* Patience and empathy and thick skin in the event patient gets a tad nasty
* Incredible PB&J making skills
* No fear of blood, needles, pain, and any other medical procedures
* Relatives may not apply.  (Sorry folks, Thanksgiving dinner would never be the same.)

EDUCATION/EXPERIENCE
* At least 25 hours watched of TV programs showing births such as "16 and Pregnant", "Teen Mom", "A Baby Story", "I didn't know I was pregnant", and/or viewings of the live birth at the Science Museum.

To apply please submit resume and cover letter.

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Update:

As anticipated, Ari was not admitted to the hospital today.  He is now scheduled for a 5-day stay beginning next Wednesday. 

(I knew I shouldn't have packed a bag.  I jinxed it.)