Friday, August 31, 2012
Seeking individual to serve as on-call birth coach in the highly likely event pregnant woman's husband is caring for toddler son in the hospital across the street.
ESSENTIAL DUTIES & RESPONSIBILITIES
* Provide distraction during IV placement
* Assist nurses in applying cold packs to patient's forehead after she faints from IV placement
* Make patient peanut butter and jelly sandwich before epidural is administered
* Allow patient to have full control of TV remote control during labor
* Check in every 5 minutes with patient's husband to receive status update on toddler son
* Laugh at all of patient's jokes (even if not funny)
* Remind patient to ask for Attending anesthesiologist and not Resident or Fellow to administer epidural
* Provide non-judgemental support when patient requests epidural at the earliest sign of discomfort
* Call for nurse assistance when patient poops on the table
* Pretend patient did not poop on table and never tell a sole if she did
* Take pictures during labor and video during last 3 minutes of delivery.
* Do not post video/pictures on Facebook or YouTube
* Remind doctor to collect cord blood and tissue and call Viacord within 1 hour after birth
* Provide encouragement and support throughout labor, but without ever physically touching patient (unless specifically requested)
* Promise to forget what patient's female parts look like immediately after birth
* Ability to perform the essential tasks noted above in a satisfactory manner.
* Patience and empathy and thick skin in the event patient gets a tad nasty
* Incredible PB&J making skills
* No fear of blood, needles, pain, and any other medical procedures
* Relatives may not apply. (Sorry folks, Thanksgiving dinner would never be the same.)
* At least 25 hours watched of TV programs showing births such as "16 and Pregnant", "Teen Mom", "A Baby Story", "I didn't know I was pregnant", and/or viewings of the live birth at the Science Museum.
To apply please submit resume and cover letter.
As anticipated, Ari was not admitted to the hospital today. He is now scheduled for a 5-day stay beginning next Wednesday.
(I knew I shouldn't have packed a bag. I jinxed it.)