Happy Birthday Mom

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

In lieu of a card (I had no stamps) and a gift (c'mon, what do you need anyway?), I want to wish you a very happy birthday by publicly admitting that you were right (sometimes) and that I am a great mom because I learned from the best. 

Just a few things I learned from you:

1. Always lie about your age.  I totally understand why Jeff (my bro) and I threw you a "surprise" 40th b-day party on your 43rd year of life. 

2. Scare your kids into good hygiene.  Ari will also be told that if he bites his nails, he will get worms. 

3. There really is a toothfairy. How do I contact him/her when Ari loses a tooth?

4. The propane to fill the gas tank comes from the cows in the field next to the Home Depot. (We grew up in Texas.)  I will never forget driving by the propane shop, as a senior in high school, and telling my friends that they have tubes that connect to the cow's rear ends, that transfer the cow "gas" to the propane tank.  It did make perfect sense.

5. Jewish girls put out.

6. Teach your kids incorrect song lyrics.  Just last week, in a Baby & Me class, we sang the song, "Do you ears hang low, do they wobble to and fro..." and I raised my hand and asked, "Did we change the words from 'Do your boobs hang low' so the kids don't sing it when they get older?"  Jaws dropped and I literally heard one mom gasp.  Thanks Mom.

7. Judge a book by its cover.  I am forever indebted to you for the countless hours and thousands of dollars you spent to rid me of my Jew-'fro...and that one other issue a little cosmetic surgery solved.

8. Gambling is a good hobby.  The $4 you blow every week at Mah Jongg makes you happy and the dollar a week you spend on the lotto (and have for the last 20-something years) will definitely pay out one of these days.

9. Sunscreen isn't necessary.  The dermatologists are over-reacting. 

10.  And finally, that as an adult, I cannot sh*t my pants...even if we're driving in a snow storm at 5mph and I have the worst bellyache of my life.

(Oh I could go on and on...everything goes on sale; gossip is a good thing, everyone eats chicken on Friday night; parents love all their children the same even if they have a favorite child...)

In all seriousness, you showed me what it means to devote your life to your children and family.  You modeled how to become a successful career-woman (after the kids are in high school).  You taught me about the meaning of good friends.  You proved to me the importance of  fighting for what's right (and protesting against what's wrong...like the Jesus prayer they used to say before high school football games). You gave selflessly to ensure I had everything I ever wanted.  And please do not bring this up ever again, but you showed me how to be a pretty damn good mommy.  And I thank you.

And most importantly, you confirmed that I really am as smart, funny, and beautiful as I think I am.

Happy 59th Birthday Mom! 


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