Go the F*ck to...

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Currently #4 on Amazon's bestseller list is a book with a release date of June 2011.  Any guess what book could already be so popular?  Is it the biography of Bethenney Frankel detailing her life from f*cked up family to multi-millionaire & Forbes cover girl?  No.  Is it the fourth Stieg Larsson book?  No f*cking way (but I wish!). 

It is...
Go the F**k to Sleep
This book is genius.  Author Adam Mansbach writes an honest, hilarious, heart-warming "children's book" (for adults eyes only) based on the sleep issues of his 2 year-old daughter.  Every mom and dad knows oh-too-well the feeling of sleep deprivation that parenthood commands.  And Adam writes what we're all thinking.  Here's a sample verse:

     The cats nestle close to their kittens now.
     The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
     You’re cozy and warm in your bed, my dear
     Please go the fuck to sleep.

For the time being, we are no longer dealing with sleep issues (hallelujah), but we do have a big problem of our own.  Thank you Mr. Mansbach for the inspiration to write my own book.  What do you think?

My little baby Ari,
Your diapers should still fit.
Please explain to me love,
Why the f*ck they're filled with sh*t?

You're eating solid food now,
So blended it's like soup.
Apples, pears, and carrots,
I effing gag when you poop!

I take you to the market,
With all the chicks you flirt.
They say "oh he's a cutie"
'Til you F it up and squirt.

I put you in the carriage,
And we go for a stroll,
When the f*uck did that happen?
You dropped a tootsie roll.

I hand you to a friend,
I hear her say, "he farted."
But then it becomes clear guy,
What the F?  You sharted.

Mom and Dad just had birthdays,
Oh how we celebrated,
You effin' love attention,
That's why you defecated.

I give you mashed bananas,
You are pretty well-fed.
But 'nanas block you up babe,
Give you turtle f*ckin' head!

I think you get the picture,
I'll finish this little rap.
There is no rhyme or reason,
F*ck! You just took a crap.

The End.

(I'll be giving away a copy of Mansbach's book to the one of you who suggests the best title for my spin-off. Contest ends Friday, 5-27 at Noon EST.)


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